How to live to 100

Episode One: Floaters

Do note this compendium gets the title Live to 100 – not merely exist to 100. One thing that means is that on thine 100th birthday thou shalt be blowing out the candles, with a minimum amount of dribble, preferably none, though if there is some, thou shalt be able to take out thine kerchief and wipe thyself clean with a fell swoop.

And on the first day of thine hundreth year thou shalt be able to sit upon the throne to expunge the birthday cake of a hundred candles, and with easy dexterity wipe oneself clean, and in the bowels of the throne, there shall be clearly visible several floating turds light in colour and firm in texture – not resentful strangled lumps forced uncompromisingly from a painful anus.

And the bowels from which those happy specimens will have been released will be in fine fettle having been fed with a diet rich in the fibrous foods of the earth – that is wholemeal grain and fruit and vegetables each day, and periodically from the middle age, they will have seen a colonoscopic ‘hello, how’s things, just checkin in, ok see ya later buddy’.

Commandment one: Let them float!